Since I felt like it..

Take it from the point of view of art, I don’t mean to hurt anyone with my texts, poems and stories. They are art, nothing more or less (and sucky art, hell yeah!)

All my clothes – Grey
All my thoughts – Grey
The weather today? – Grey
The life today? – Grey

But when I close my eyes,
Great, Vivid Colors blind my eyes
and there You stand
top of the Rainbow,
holding Yourself so up high
that You make me want to stay here
holding that Bright, Screaming Flag with you.

 

Pride

Jägermeister ja sauna,
Salmiakkilaku tunkeutumassa kurkuuni,
humalainen ilta vieressäsi,
jolloin tajusin,
että sinä oikeasti
olet ystäväni.

 

 

Muistatko illan,
jolloin seinät olivat keltaisenharmaat?
Minua pyörrytti,
mutta te saunoitte vain.

Valkoisella sohvalla
sinä söit lakua kanssani,
kummatkin haluten jotain,
mitä emme voisi saada.

Sinä suutelemassa minua,
suloinen kevät ja syksyinen aamu,
kunnes te nukahditte,
minä toivoen unohtavani Hänet.

Sitä kesää muistelen talvella,
kun sinä olet jossain kaukana Hänen kanssaan,
vaikket Häntä edes halua,
muttet liioin minuakaan.

Mutta me ymmärrämme toisiamme,
vaikka olemmekin tehty eri massasta,
sinä elohopeaa,
minä juurtuvaa tammea.

 

BFF, even thouhg we are not

I am your Vegas
You could be My Honey & The Moon,
We could watch the world
from the darker side of moon
while eating ice cream
on the Ocean Avenue.

Your taste in men
is as wicked as
the game We play.
While it rains in Pärnu
We still have no rain,
no rainbow,

still We walk on sunshine.
You say You’re the man to whom
nothing happens,
I’d say
You’re a beautiful dance whore,
swaying in the ocean
of my memories.

 

(Seuraavan ei ole tarkoitus loukata ketään, ja jos näin on, ottakaa se taiteen kannalta.)

 

Uskon Tunnustus

Yaoi meidän,
joka olet kaikkialla.
Pyhä ja pyhitetty on nimesi,
jos fanitytöiltä ja -pojilta kysytään.
Tulkoon Sinun valtakuntasi
(otamme Teidät avosylin vastaan!)
ja tapahtukoon TODELLAKIN Sinun tahtosi
niin maan päällä kuin taivaissa,
metsässä ja merellä,
kaupungissa, kylässä ja lähiössä,
kerrostalossa, autiotuvassa, teltassa ja laavussa,
keittiössä, suihkussa, vessassa,
sängyssä ja sängyn alla,
kaapissa tai ulkona,
missä vaan.
Anna meille jokapäiväinen annoksemme yaoita,
että jaksamme sen turvin ja voimin elää eteenpäin uuteen päivään.
Anna syntimme anteeksi (tai älä),
että isäntäni voisi rankaista minua lisää,
sillä minä ANNAN AINA isännälleni anteeksi,
vaikka se saattaisikin sattua.
Ja saata meidät kiusaukseen,
sillä sen takia Sinä olet elossa,
ja päästä herkkänahkaiset pahasta .
(sillä SM-tyyppejä on, PALJON!)
Sillä sinun on yaoivaltakunta, -voima ja -kunnia
iankaikkisesti,
äärettömään
ja sen yli.
AMEN!
*fap*

 

My (Gay) Prince

Grey you get
when you mix black and white
Outstanding is the word
you’re not, but for me
you are
Keep your head up is
the rule of your life
Shop till you drop,
but that’s still too gay
E is not your life,
you get your kicks from
sex, booze & hot men
Live your life to the fullest,
you smile and hold me tight
when you say goodbye
to me.

-Yamato

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But sometimes I feel like I am a dancing snowflake…

Beautiful and unique, surrounded by other snowflakes.

Can you tell the difference between us? Can you?

 

I was dead beat yesterday since I was doing my presentation the whole night… As I have said before, 12 hours of work, 10 minutes presentation. Why do I even bother… T___T  So, I came back from school and took a nap, then PuppyEyes came. I tried to sleep also then (sorry sweetie, but I was tired… And a boring company, as usual..), but my dear friend called Inspiration decided to pay me a visit. I just wanted to push Inspiration away, even though I have missed… yes, him or her? since I was so tired. But I couldn’t. So, I wrote two shitty poems, again :D But I felt alive again. Like I do everytime Inspiration comes and I have pen in my hand and paper ready to be filled with symbols and lines, texts and meanings. ..And now when I think about it, I wrote three pieces.. O.o One of them is  not that good, since the book I refer to is in Finland… But I did my best, I didn’t study that book for nothing for 2 years :D Oh well.. ^__^ Next week to Oulu!!!!<3<3 And on Thursday it’s dearing’s leaving party ;__; I wish you have a wonderful time at home<3

 

Halaan sinusta kevään pois
ja jätän syksyn tilalle
odotuksen ja kaipuun,
vesisateet ja hehkuvan liekin
ikkunalaudallasi.

Tahdon ravistaa sinua kuin syksyistä puuta,
lehtiesi varistessa
halaan tukevaa runkoasi
keräten voimia kevääseen.

Koruttomana ja alastomana edessäni
sinä seisot,
kuolleena kuin itse lakastunut maa,
odottaen puhkeamista.

Mutta minusta sinä olet kaunis juuri tuollaisena,
surullisena mutta vahvana,
melankolisen arvokkaana seisot odottaen kevättä,
jollion pukeudut värikkäisiin valheisiisi,
jotka eivät kestä kesää kauempaa.

 

Sinulle, Conceptio Artis

Kosteasta kodostaan nous’ hauki puuhun laulamaan
pyöräillessäni kohti kukkivia kyliä,
Rotuaaria ja Heinäpäätä.
Arkisin askarein minä pelastan maailman
Antero Vipusen ajatukset taskussani
Yön hurtta kannoillani.
Metsässä kaikki on korutonta,
alastonta, surutonta.

Sinun rinnallasi kävelen kahleissa,
mutta täällä, metsässä,
on vapaus,
ei teiden vankina, vaan vapaana kuin itse umpihanki!

Siis sukseni luistakoon suhisten
vitivalkoisen hangen päällä,
kaukana pysäkiltä,
jonne en tahtoisi palata.

 

The deepest wish

What I wanna do?
I want to stand under the sodium street lamp
while the soft snow swirls playfully around us,
hold your hands,
the stream of tears running from my gleaming eyes,
full of happiness
because you’re…

”I am here.
I am back.”

How you embrace my small figure,
the sun playing on your lips,
your warmth surrounds me
like the golden days in my happy youth.

My heart,
it bursts
crystal tears.
Finally
I am yours.

 

Yamato

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The real me

I’d like to introduce you to 4 persons: Yamato, Ethan, Jesse and July. The persons living inside my head (some call them different kind of personalitites, I call them persons.)

Yamato is my baby. He is gay and very open about it. He is bright, sunny, happy, always smiling and helping others, a bit of a tease, perky, yet he has his dark side also. He is a bit moody sometimes, but it’s nothing serious, not like Ethan. Even though he is happy, he  struggles to find a boyfriend because he is gay and his personalitites usually don’t match with others. But I like him, he is like my twin brother, but more open and social. Blonde hair, blue eyes, dark heavy-rimmed glasses (..I look the same right noe actually :D But my natural hair color is dark brown.)

Ethan. Oooh Ethan. He worries too much and is depressed almost all the time. He blames himself from everything and thus when someone says something bad or hurtful, Ethan takes it all in and angsts, he doesn’t defend himself or brush it off. His mind is constantly worrying over something and he hopes he could change. So far, no results. Yet, there is a sweet side of him, he is very friendly, polite and would never hurt anyone on purpose.Red hair, green eyes, a bit brown skin.

Jesse. He is the angry one. He loves to annoy people and call them by names, and when he gets angry there’s no point trying to stop him. He is a bad boy and loves attention. And I think he is somehow related to July… Apologises from no one, rude and says whatever he wants (sound familiar? I guessed so…) Bows to no one. Hates wussies and weak people. Blonde hair, icy cold grey eyes, wears usually black leather jacket, tight jeans and boots.

July. The power source. Energetic and cheerful, yet when someone pisses her off, she will flip out. And that’s not nice, it’s like 20 angry women on their periods. She, like Jesse, loves attention, so whenever Jesse and July meet… Oh boy. They just love to fight verbally with each other. She is someone I’d love to be, bold, social, gets along well with different kinds of people, she can be kind and gentle when she wants. Great dancer. Red hair, green eyes, wears glasses, loves colorful clothes.

I know it seems weird, how can I describe them so well? Doesn’t it seem like I’m writing character profiles for a fic? But I’m not. Everytime I feel something other than my tru self, one of them start to talk to me. Last night, Ethan and Jesse were fighting inside of my head, since I was really depressed yet angry and I could hear Jesse’s voic SO clearly, he wanted to come out and punch faces. Yet Ethan had the power to start to overthink about everything, thus ende up in a bathroom crying my eyes till they bleeded :D

And I? I am just me, quiet, shy who so wants to meet new people and find a boyfriend and spend my time quietly, yet I can’t (since I am shy and scared of people talking to me.. -___-’)

Way to go life. And please call the men in white jackets to take me to a mental hospital, thxbai~

 

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You don’t know me, you don’t even care…

I’m tied of this shit. Really, you say you don’t care, yet you obviously do. You say you don’t, yet you ask what is he doing, who is he dating or what has happened to him. You said you don’t care, yet you trouble your mind with each other. You don’t care, yet you say evil things about each other, whine, and to me, it seems that you’re jealous. Really, just le tme go. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. I can be your friend, but I don’t want to talk about him with you, or talk about you with him. Just forget him, like you said you would. It would be so much easier for us all. And don’t intentionally search for him, please. You are hurting me. You promised. I hate people who break their promises.

And stop rubbing your betterness into my face. I’m sick and tired of hearing how good you are and how Finn and girl I am. I am not. I am a Finn, but I’m not that stereotypical. I am not a girl. I never will. And I will never be a boy. I am me. I am a person, an individual, just like you are you. Don’t treat me like a low-life. I can bring you tea, hug you better and tell my opinion to you, but please, don’t treat me like I am a woman. Gender equality is something that I appreciate, even though it always sounds, seems and is so feministic. But I am at the same level as you are, not under you. You are not to boss me around, say what I am supposed to do. You have the right to say what you want, but so do I. I want to finish my sentence as badly as you do. I want to talk to him as much as you do.

I am sorry if I read you messages. But what am I supposed to do when you talk with him while I’m around and there is nothing to do? Just sit silently with my thoughts and listen to your laughters and questions. And what am I supposed to do, when you command me to leave, so you can talk some private matters to him, even though I have heard things much worse or private. Ütle mulle. Am I supposed to go away, to my own apartment, leave my computer with you, so you can talk with him? Am I supposed to go to a bathroom for three hours, so you can talk with him? Am I supposed to cover my ears and be with my thoughts, so you can talk with him?

I love you, both of you, I really do, but enough. You are not the one to tell me what to do. I have seen porn, I have read porn, I have seen a fucking male organ before, all the horrors there are (believe me, males are beauties, females are the one that I don’t want to see or hear about). So what if I hear you too talk about the XXX-things you might have in the future, it’s not that I haven’t thought about them before. I am just sick and tired of being left alone. And you say I’m not a third wheel. But I obviously am! If you can’ t tell these things to me, I am!

I want someone that special. I don’t want to be the third wheel anymore. I am tired of that role. When is my time to be in an equal position with someone? When am I gonna be someone’s number 1? With this rate and company, never. Oh well, maybe I should get used to that idea.The thing is also, that if I hang out with you, I will never find anyone (and even though I have found someone that I’d love to be a special to me, they have always been either gays or someone that you have met/fucked before. Straight or gay). So, where the hell am I supposed to find anyone…

There are also so many things  that I want to tell you, but I am afraid since you are a bit harsh. You have this vertain picture of me, believing that it is the correct one. The thing is that if you have been listening to me, you would have figured out my secrets and my real thoughts. But no one ever does.

Ah, sometimes it is hard to be me =___= Especially with you guys around… But I still love you. Very much. Even though you will start to hate me one day, I will love you. Because I am that stupid person who believes that people can change or change their behaviour.

Yamato

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