Of dreams and sleepless nights. And a bit about one amazing person..

First of all, I’ll start to use code names for my friends, since some of them hate to see their names written in my blog.. *bitches. Kiddin’, love you all!*

The other thing is, that G is coming to Tallinn & Tartu on 30th!! YAY!! Of course I’m gonna see him on 19th, but I’m really looking forward to spend the New Year with him. And C. See, code names :P Which are easy to guess if you know me and my friends.

But my main topic today is dreams. I still have sleeping disorder/sleep deprivation going on, but I just remembered some good dreams that I want to share with you (or with myself, who the fuck ever reads my shitty blog/life :D) Aaaaanyways, first I must tell you about the dream that included K. One night he was here at my apartment, and being oh-so-K-like aka being a bit too much at times (I still like you honey, you brighten up my days usually!). We were discussing K’s proposal (he asked N to marry him) and then he just blurts out that he doesn’t want to marry me. Mostly I was WTFing, but small part of me was hurting, since I have had some sorta crush on him (..yeesh, Ima baka desu… -__-’) But I think this is the reason why I saw a dream where I hit K with a beer pint(/jug) :D And when I woke up in the morning, I was laughing a bit and, again, WTFing :D But it felt REALLY good to hit him :D

Second dream that I wanna mention is the one where I was on this little island with my family and my cousins’ family. For some odd reason, I was swimming with my clothes on (well, really not that weird if you know me well…) When I came out of the water, I was missig my yellow rubber boots and my yellow SKIS. Yeah, SKIS :D Not water skis, skis. The ones you use on winter :D I started to look for my boots first and found them near to the shore. The skis was a bit harder, since there were actually lot of skis in the lake :D So, I grabbed this mini-canoe (WTF-FTW?! :DDDDD), stepped inside and started to paddle. I went through three pairs of skis before I found my own (and at the same time I was trying to avoid our neighbor from next island, he was a very creepy and scary man..) After this I went back to my cousins to show them I found my skis. But this dream was SO random, so the moment I woke up… WTF?!?!?! :D And this one I saw when I was visiting L in Turku.

I wrote on FB about my Greece exchange student dream a bit. First of all, in the dream I was originally from USA. I was a boy and my name was Jesse, I had cute blonde hair and blue eyes and I was SMOKING hot! :D Anyways, my whole class seemed to hate or avoid me, dunno why (because I was gay.. Might be the case..) Even though they talked to me normally, their faces were always twisted in pain or hate or disgust.. When I then went as an exchange student to Greece, this one girl (who had a huge crush on me) decided to send me a gift to Greece. And this gift was maitotonkka (I have no friggin’ idea what that is in English, but I can put a picture.. or the link to the picture..  http://www.suomenantiikki.fi/images/vanha%20maitotonkka%203.jpg ) Again, RANDOM! And when I received it in my dream, I was also WTFing :D I’d love to know what the hell my subconscious is trying to tell me.. :D

Yeah. But from asia to akkuporakone, it was snowing today!! YAY!! I made lots of snowballs, one huge snowball and some snow angels with C ^__^ It felt good, like I was a kid again (well, I am, I love to play in snow ^____^) And I was so happy! SNOW! No more darkness! Christmas is almost here!!!! AND G!!! w00t! CAN’T WAIT!! But because of C, I’m awake right now. But I can’t complain, he’s just too sweetpie<3 (sleeping beside me like an angel :D Ima creepy… :D)

So…. If I see more random dreams, I’ll write about them :D And I most certainly think I will, if my awful sleep deprivation continues… Ooh boy :D

-Yamato

I also wanted to post this poem here. So,

for my sister, ’cause I just simply love you.

Elegia siskolle

Joskus toivoisin,

että voisin ojentaa sinulle käteni

aikana, jolloin sitä eniten tarvitset.

 

Olen aina kaukana,

pois sieltä, missä sinä

olet.

 

Makaat auringonvalossa

onnettomana,

vaikka tahtoisit huokaista helpotuksesta.

 

Hymyile! Tanssi!

Perhosenkeveät jalkasi

tuskin koskettavat lattia.

 

Sano hyvästi auringonvalolle,

jollei se tee sinusta

onnellista.

 

Anna minulle kätesi,

anna minulle huolesi,

jotta saisimme siipesikin taas keveiksi.

 

Ja kuka sanoi,

ettei sinusta ole

perhoseksi!

 

Sinä olet sinä,

kuolevaisuudestasi huolimatta,

sinä olet itse keveys,

 

Hento henkäys metsässä,

keltainen perhonen

korkean koivun lehdellä.

 

Näetkö? Näetkö nyt

maailman samoin

kuin minä?

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Sometimes I forget that I am 21 years old and not the sweet 16 I am inside..

On niitä päiviä, jolloin heräät ja toivot, että voisit vain kääntää kylkeä ja jatkaa unia. On myös niitä päiviä, jolloin toteutat tämän. Toisaalta on myös niitä päiviä, jolloin olosi on niin mitätön, että tahtoisit lakata olemasta, kokonaan.

Näin minä tunnen. All the time, mostly. Kun millään ei ole mitään väliä eikä mikään eroa mistään, sitä tahtoisi vain lakata olemasta. Vaipua jonnekin harmaaseen massaan, mistä kukaan ei voi sinua löytää. What a bliss!

Soljuisit siellä, tietämättömyyden ja unohduksen rajamailla, tuntematta mitään tai ketään, murehtimasta mistään tai kenestäkään. Vain… Pysähdys. Soljunta. Stillness.

Äitini lääkäri kysyi, että mitä äitini haluaisi elämältään. Hän ei tiedä. En minäkään. Entiset unelmat ovat joko murskautuneet älyni katoamisen myötä tai muuten vain kadonneet.  Mitä minä OIKEASTI haluan? … Kodin. Sen turvallisen tunteen, mitä kerran tunsin. Yksinkertainen asia paperilla, hyvin syvä ja monimutkainen tosielämässä. Koti.

Ja haluan olla taas onnellinen. Muistatko miltä se tuntuu? Minä en. Hyvin hatarasti saan muistikuvia, toisinaan jopa pienoisen tunnetilan, mutten kokonaista kuvaa tunteineen. Milloin tunsin oloni niin onnelliseksi, etten löytänyt sanoja kuvaamaan onneani?

…Niinpä.

Ja auktoriteetit sanovat, etten minä ole masentunut. Pahemmin kuin koskaan. Rytmini on muuttunut, olen kipeä, surullinen, ruokahalu poissa, uniongelmia, en ole se sama henkilö, jonka tunsin. En ole se sama ihminen, joka kävi täällä keväällä. Se henkilö, jota olen aina rakastanut, vaikkei siltä ole aina tuntunut. Where are you?

Miksi? Mitä tapahtui? Saanko hänet takaisin? Voisinko olla onnellinen taas? Palautuisiko kasvoilleni se ilkikurisen iloinen hymy, jota rakastan katsella ja tuntea? Tulisiko minusta taas se henkilö, joka jaksaa ja jaksoi huvittaa ihmisiä tyhmillä asioilla ja aiheilla, idiooteilla vitseillä ja sarkastisilla kommenteilla?

… En tiedä. Enkä itse asiassa jaksaisi ajatella koko asiaa. Tahtoisin vain nukkua. Edes hieman. Näkemättä kummallisia unia ja pelkäämättä, etten saa unta. Unohtaa olemassaoloni, mielentilani, huoleni, murheeni, edes hetkeksi. Oblivion…

But instead I’m at school, pretending that everything is fine. I force a smile, I force myself to speak in a steady voice, I force myself to concentrate on listening to what the others are saying, I force my eyes to keep open, for my eyes not to free the tears that want to run on my cheeks. I force myself to care what my teacher says, even though my mind is elsewhere, concentrated and concerned about my friends, relatives, family. It’s hard, but I try.

Sometimes I’d love to see what others think about me, How much my room mate actually hates me, what do my classmates think about when I’m absent from school again, what my parents think when I tell them I’m sick again, skipping school and sleeping irregularly, can they hear my voice cracking because I’m holding my tears down, can they sense my sadness, my tears, my depression?

Can they? Do they? Want they? Would they? … Should they?

Ma ei tea. Mutta haluaisinko? Haluaisinko lisää tuskaa ja harmia tietämällä? Ehkä. Ehkä ansaitsisin sen, kunnon syytösryöpyn. Saisinpahan elämäni 10 vuodelle tarkoituksen.

-Ethan

(It’s been so long time since I have been in contact with him… Not that I miss him, but he’s a part of me. Always will.

-Yamato)

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SeaBattle och Stockholm

So, since I’m a bit tired and annoyed and angsty, I’ll write this piece in both English and Finnish, randomly of course, depending what I wanna say. And that doesn’t make any sense, but oh well :P

So, our SeaBattle group started from Tartu at 12.30, where a bus drove us to Tallinn. In Tallinn we had 1,5 hours until we were able to board. When I bought the ticket, they told me that I might be put into the same room with boys (now, I really don’t care, but I think it would have been a bit awkward..) Luckily enough my cabinet mate was my Russian room mate, so I was lucky. When the boat left Tallinn, me and my lovely cabinet mate ate some cheese and tomatos, served with martinis :D After this we went to watch the beautiful night lights of Tallinn, very pretty~

The first night was a bit awkward for me, since I didn’t know (well, I still don’t know them that well, but I hope I will..) the other guys that well. We had a nice taco meal, drank lots of free beer and wine, danced on a rocking boat (I think I was the only one who actually enjoyed the boat at that time :D) and I was finally able to sing karaoke<3 (even though the song was a bit too slow :P) After 00.00 we went to Ibiza to dance, also we had a nice Italian-Belgian drinking company when we went back to our cabin (by we, I don’t mean my cabinet mate and me, but my other room mates here in Tartu). And when the clock striked 4.00, I went to sleep, even though I think I didn’t sleep at all..

Now, Stockholm. Very nice and pretty place. I didn’t want to go to the guided tour since they are usually a bit annoying, so I went together to Gamla Stan with my room mate Sonja and two lovely Chinese girls. Even though I hate Swedish and maybe even the Swedes a bit, it was nice to try to use the language and read the signs that I saw :P But I could imagine myself living there, well, maybe in a suburb near Stockholm.. We found this lovely (I use the word lovely too much, but fuck that :D) little shop that sold Moomin, Pippi Långstrump and some Swedish moose stuff there. I wanted to buy all the Moomin stuff! (And now I remembered that I was suppoed to buy a Moomin umbrella from the boat.. SHIT!!) After this we went to get some coffee/tea (or course I took chai, must love that stuff<3) Then we decided to walk to the main street where all the big shops are. And went to H&M :D

The Tuesday-Wednesday day/night/morning was fun: I drank with my Uni mates, I suggested for an Italian guy to teach me Italian and I teach him Finnish, I danced from 1.00 to 8.45, I pissed one Jokeri fan off (which is of course alright, Jokerit sucks!), met new people, danced with guys (o.O They must have been REALLY drunk, no guy never dances with ME!!) and had a great time. When the clock was around 5.00, I was basicly the only female on the dance floor, so I was surrounde by guys :D And three guys wanted to steal my beanie (’cause it’s so amazing red-black striped beanie!!), one Spanish guy tried to hit me, one Spanish guy lifted me on the dancefloor, spun me around and I gave him a kiss (on a cheek, you suspicious ones!!) and at 8.45 ended up drinking beer and eating tortilla chips with Finnish exchange students under a bar table :D Oh, and one Asian guy tried to hit me also, boy I was HAPPY~ It’s a bad thing that I am too shy and sober for them to hit me :P Maybe I should loose a bit.. Naah, I’m not that slutty!

All in all, good trip!

And now for the serious stuff: I think G hates me… Shit has happened here and I’m too tired to fix it up… And something has happened to him and he didn’t want to tell me and now I’m worried sick. And that’s why I hate myself. Why the fuck do I have to care that much about everything!?! Why am I so good person.. ? Sometimes I wish I just stopped thinking or existing. I don’t want to think about things, I just wanna be. There are no nights that I roll in my bed because I think about things too much. Every night. It drives me crazy! The other thing is that I think I’m seriously depressed. Even though I had fun at the cruise, it still doesn’t erase my feelings and emotions earlier. I still don’t wanna go to school, I don’t wanna learn Estonian, I don’t wanna exists. I just wanna go back to Finland and see my mom (there are things going on where I wanna support my dearest ones) and sister and my friends. I know that I have friends here, but I don’t trust them that much that I could just cry in front of them and tell them my problems. Why do I have to pretend that I am so strong, even thouhg I am not. I know that people think that I am quiet and calm, hard to approach. I am too shy people! I’m afraid to meet new people since they usually think tha I’m crazy since I dress in men’s clothing (usually), I love gays and talk lots and lots about perverted stuff. I am not a fucking girl! And never will be! I don’t wanna pretend something that I am not! I have a dirty mind and mouth (so to say..), I think almost 24/7 angsty and perverted stuff, I love, love, LOVE men’s clothing since they are SO much cooler than stupid dresses, skirts, skinny jeans, make ups and high heels. if you just knew me, you’d like me, even love. But yeah.

I feel bad. I want to tell these things to someone in person, but I’m afraid to cry in front of people. It hurts me when I can’t help G, so I was crying here alone and hating it since Iwanted to talk to someone (I’m repeating myself, sorry). I want some human contact, a shoulder to cry on, two arms that would hug me. And usually that is someone special to you. I have never had one, even though I’m dying to get one. These are also the thigs I can’t talk about, since I don’t know does other people have this endless dying to meet their special ones. I remember when I was in junior high and high school. I wanted SO bad to have a BF, but it seemed like none of my friends wanted. Same things in high school. I have wanted to have one ever since I was 11. Now, after high school, almost all of them have BFs or GFs. Am I trying too hard?

And I know I really shouldn’t write about these things since people might to start act differently when I’m around, but for a first fucking time I’m writing about my most deepest wish in the whole fucking world: IWANNA HAVE A FUCKING BF!

..And I feel sick.. I ate too much chicken pasta today.. And weak. I never feel weak. I just feel like crying.. And sleeping.. And drifting to a place where I don’t exist. Yeah.

-Yamato

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Last few days…

I was sick for 4 days, from Sunday/Monday to Thursday and felt REALLY depressed (well, I still do..)  When I was in bed and woke up, I just wanted to roll to the other side and continue sleeping. I really didn’t and still don’t want to wake up, since I’m happier in my dreams and reality sucks. But, then on Thursday night, my new, amazing and overly wonderful friend René asks if he can come over to my place. Of course I said yes, I needed a cheer up. He also brought my other new, cute and amazing friend Christian over. They ate my salmiakki, Christian and I drank tea, talked and had fun. We then decided that I’d cook for them tomorrow and go out.

So, on Friday I made spaghetti for them (they also invited one Estonian girl over, but it was cool since I knew her). And then we ate, drank and chatted. After this we went to my Finnish friend’s flat. There the small Hell broke out: René started to comment on my Finn friend’s make-up and pissing also her friend. Ah, the night! Anyways, at the bar I was feeling bored and lame. We drank we beers and left the place. When we came back to the dormitory, René asked do I want to go to sleep. I said no since I wasn’t tired, so we went for a walk. REALLY long one indeed :D In the middle of this walk we went into a bar, where we found Christian and few girls we both know from there. Now, these two guys are like best friends, but that night their love-hate- friendship was on the bottom of the rollercoaster. So, Christian was PO’d and René just fuelled this even more. When we left the bar, René hit Christian (not too hard), which PO’d Christian even more, so he left quite quickly.

Anyways, we continued our walk. René then asked me, if I’d like to come at his place. Since I really didn’t want to go to back to dormitory, I said yes. Then we walked for one hour to reach his home. But during that nice walking trip, we talked about lots of things. And bonded, I’d say. He reminds me so much of G that it makes my heart ache a bit :D But we talked and I must say he’s so nice and cute and lovable person once you get to know him (I say this since he pissed three Finn girls that night off :D) And I really don’t know why I don’t see his arrogant side. I know his ego is bigger than G’s or E’s, but I just shrug that off. Maybe it’s because I’m just too used to these arrogant and almighty persons :D

But yes, at René’s place I just sit around and feel a bit uncomfortable since it’s my first time there and I feel like an alien :D Around 6.30 I say to him that I shold go back to dormitory since I’m going on a trip on that day (Saturday), so I said that I wanna walk and invite him also to our trip (to Rakvere..) Around 7.30 we then go to a bus stop (since he promised to pay my ticket, even though we didn’t even buy one, since it’s quite easy to travel here by a bus for free, as long as the police don’t come to check out the tickets. But it was so early in the morning, so they didn’t. And my grammar sucks badly right now :D) and then to my flat. There we eat breakfast, I pack and then go downstairs and start to wait for the other guys.

And Saturday: Rakvere. I went there with 4 guys, lucky~ :D It is a really small town, but there are this ruins of an old castle, so we wanted to see those (well the guys wanted, I just wanted to spend some ”private” time with them :D) The ruins were nice, but the nicest thing was the hills around them and the sunset! Oh, and the wind! I felt like I was in Wuthering Heights or LOTR. And there was a double rainbow! It was SO pretty!

Later when we travelled back to Tartu, we watched some R-18 stuff on my computer (stuff by René :D) After this I ended up sleeping on René’s lap, his hand securely around me. I must say, he has the softest and warmest hands I have ever met or touched. So I felt loved and safe, like a little kitten actually :D (yesh, I wanted to purr :D) Later that night I was chatting with G through MSN (I told René and Christian about him, and René was very interested about him :D), and when I told G René was over, they started to chat. For two hours. On my computer and in my room :D There was a language barrier between them since G didn’t get a hold of everything that René wrote. Anyways, they were OK, G even said that René is cute (inside and out :D), and that they should definitely meet some day. And I felt somehow proud. And ashamed :D

But anyways, these few days had made me seen so many new sides of René, and I must say that I love this guy even more!  I just can’t understand why someone can hate him (OK, I do, but I can’t imagine myseld hating him, he’s too adorable! And so is Christian, sorry buddy that I’m not writing that much about you<3) But the good news is that G is coming here on the first days of December!!!! YAY!!! And I can’t wait!!! I miss him SO much that it even hurts to think about hugging him. But I can’t wait either for G and René to meet! :) And I hope it ends well, if it doesn’t I think G will start to hate me… And I don’t want that…

But right now, I wanna know am I really depressed or not. I haven’t slept well in three days since I either don’t wanna fall asleep or I’m afraid to fall asleep ( I don’t even know why..) But I think I am, and René said so too. I really have fun with my friends, but the problems are still there, I’m just suppressing them. I really just want to start to cry to get over with it. And get a hug after that. I have found out that I’m really human contact seeking type, I really love hugging and kissing people. Even now I’d love to hug someone.

And also that I’m cute and warm person (warm in the every meaning of that word :D) Maybe I am, but I really don’t know am I satisfied with those characterisations. I mean, I know they are good qualities, but am I ever gonna be beautiful (well, G said that I am, but he is G, he would say anything like to cheer me up..), am I ever gonna be smart or wise or successful or arrogant or cold or evil or wicked. I just get this lame picture of me when someone says I’m cute. That I’m just cute, nothing else, the other people around me are som much more than that. That I’m just cure, that’s it. Not someone that you pick up for a date or to be a life partner. Just. Cute…

And I really should sleep. But I don’t want to. What I wanna do is to hug a person and talk and be the cute kitty that I am inside :D But if I go to sleep right now, I’m only able to sleep for 4 hours (I’m going on a cruise today..) and that is not enough. And I should study Stockholm’s map and our schedule on board. Oh argh…

But anyway, that’s my lame and depressing life, how’s yours?

-Yamato

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Pyhä randomness sentään..

Haluaa italialaisen. Nii minkä? No idea.. Kuten otsake sanoo, Pyhä Randomness. Randomeita ajatuksia. Kuten sillo ku kävelin Tarton bussiasemalta kämpälle: hommasin Suomesta uudet nappikuulokkeet (sellaset korvakäytävään tungettavat, mulla ku ei tavalliset pysy korvissa..), joten yllättäen päähäni pälkähti tokaisu, et mun nappikuuloke ja Analog Rebellion ovat sukulaisia. Ei MITÄÄN hajua mistä moinen ajatus tuli. Tosin ajattelin bussimatkalla Analog Rebellionin laulajaa (tai PlayRadioPlayn, kummi tahansa, kuuntelin herraa matkalla..) ja nimikäännöstä Anal Ogre Bellion.

Sanoisin, että väsyneenä olen kaikista luovimmillani. Tosin, tahonko riskeerata terveyttäni, jotta saisin inspikseni takaisin..? Hell yeah! Tosin ei tänään, tänään oli PELOTTAVA päivä. Oli suullinen, minä panikoin melkeen itkun partaalla, ja sitte ku pahin meni ohi, nii puhuin ku mitään ei ois tapahtunutkaan. Ja sitte ku pääsin luokasta ulos, nii meinasin luhistua lattialle, sen verran jalkoja heikotti. Ja kun olin kauppaan menossa, nii jalat sano taas kerran ’pysähdy, pysähdy’, mutta mie vaan jatkoin matkaa..

Ja mun venäläinen kämppis hymyili mulle ja oli muutenki tosi mukava O.o WTF, FTW?! Oikeesti.. This is gettin’ creepy.. Ja tänään tuli hirveen ikävä Grezkyä, niin ikävä, että pala nousi kurkkuun :'( Ja mua riivaa kuvitelma joulukuusta, kun näen G:tä pitkästä aikaa. Pystyn melkein tuntemaan, kuinka laihat kädet halaavat mua nii kovasti, et sattuu ihanasti. Ja sinne on viel n. 2 kuukautta… ;A;

Ja sillo ku matkustin Kuopioon, sain taas muistutuksia siitä, minkä takia en tahdo (vielä) (tyttö)lapsia. Mun takana istu Veera 8 vee. Tämä selitti onessaan, kuinka kohta pääsee kotiin ja miten hää leikki Hennan kanssa eväsretkeä pehmolelujen kanssa Hennan kotona (josta äiti vastas aika happaman kuulosesti, et ens kerral voitte tulla meidän luokse eväsretkelle.. :D). Anyway, kun oltiin Lappeenrantaan laskeuduttu, nii piti koneen oottaa lupaa Kuopiosta, joka kesti sellasen 30 minuuttia. Tänä aikana Veera 8 vee luhistu. Alko itkemään ja valittamaan, tahto ainoastaan mustia karkkeja ja haukku muut karkit ( how dare you ;A; Ajattelisit nyt muiden karkkien tunteita!) Mut siin vaihees ku Veera 8 vee alko pillittämään, nii teki mieli sanoa sarkastisentylsällä mutta tietävällä äänellä neidille, et kone joutuu oottamaan, ku on liikennettä Kuopion kentällä ja toi ainainen valittaminen ei auta sua yhtään. ARGH! I hate whiny kids.. Ja ne porkkanat, ne saaterinperkeeleenhelvetin porkkanat! Ku teki Veera 8 veen mieli porkkanaa, muttei siihen hätään ollu, nii sitäki rupes purnamaan. Teki mieli sanoa, et myyntikärryissä myydään porkkanoita, mut ajattelin kiduttaa itseäni vielä hieman. Lopulta ku sitten päästiin ilmaan, nii loppu itku ja keskityttiin karkin syöntiin ja satuun. Iha vaa tosta noin! Ee helevetti.. Ja äiti ei osaanu selittää mitään tyttärelleen, teki silloki mieli kommentoida pilvistä ja moottoreista kaikenlaista, et ois Veera 8 vee ollu hiljaa ees hetken.

Ja tahon oman kämpän, jossa mun ajatukset saa lentää ja mis saan olla ihan rauhassa ilman, et tunnen ihteni ihan idariksi, ku en osaa jatkaa keskustelua kahta lausetta pitemmälle!

-Yamato

PS. Ohi syyskuun, läpi repaleisin lokakuun, kaipuun kaljakori kilisee..!

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