I need help.

It’s killing me. Today, I was just raising my voice, not screaming or yelling. But you don’t understand. You thought I yelled because I have done like that before. When I was younger. When I actually WAS screaming and yelling. But now, oh, NOW I just raise my voice. But you. You fucking go and call me pentu. That’s like stabbing me. The word that I hate the most coming from your mouth. Pentu. PentuPentuPentuPentuPentuPentu!! I am NOT a fucking animal (yes, human is animal and blablaa.. But THAT was insulting!) And you know? By calling me pentu you just fucking raised my blood pressure to the max. I want to insult you but I can’t. I want to hurt you but I can’t. I want you to feel the same feelings I am feeling but I can’t. So I run, I breath harshly, I wanna kick and punch objects, I wanna scream, I wanna hurt. In the end I cry. Because that’s the only way I know how to release my anger, pain, suffer and frustration. And I HATE it! Because of you I have these fucking traumas! Because of you I can’t show my real emotions! BECAUSE OF YOU I WENT TO SAUNA TO CRY, TO RELEASE MY ANGER AND FRUSTRATION! I can’t live with myself like this! I wanna be able to release my anger in a healthy way. I wanna be able to yell, to show my REAL emotions, to cry in front of people. But I can’t. I just FUCKING can’t! That’s why I want to have help. I need to see a psychologist. I want to tell these things to someone I don’t know. So I can be me again. Not the fuckign twisted shit I am right now. I don’t wanna be this big joke I am. I wanna be me, not someone who has traumas and issues because of YOU! You motherfucking fatherless dickhead! Just because you didn’t have a father don’t mean you can do the hell you want! Because of your swearwords and horrible words I hate myself! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF! Sometimes I think if I just ended my life, I wouldn’t feel this pain, ever again. Sometimes I wish you have never met my mother. Sometimes I wish I was never born. Sometimes, many times, I wish I had someone else as my father.

I fucking hate you. Because of you I need help.

I wish you would just fucking leave me alone.

But you won’t.

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Hurly Burly

Animecon wa A-ok. I still want all those Naruto stuff :'(

And congrats for Oki ;D (yeah, for the license and the other "thing".. ^__~)

Anyway, I’m going to go hiking on Saturday with my two cousins and my little brother. One week in Ruunaa (or Ruunaankoski..) writing something nice (SHORT STORIES!!), hiking, thinking, playing solitaires, listening to the calls of nature.. Ah

And after that the panic and stress starts. My graduation party will be in two (fucking) weeks ;A; Nuuuh! Well, I found a good looking dress (yes people, a dress! Black ’n White dress!), some accessories and shoes, I have a good picture what kind of invitation cards I want, I have planned the food list and the color theme. But STILL! I’m no attention whore or formal party lover. I don’t like being in them because I have to act and pretend to be social and cheery. UGH! All I want is to smile, sit and talk about nice things, be a grumpy git if I want or crazy July and eat LOTS AND LOTS of chocolate cake and cookies And then go to after party and have few drinks and dance like (a bitch in heat..) a lunatic! That’s all!

Yeah.. Issues ^___^

Do mind the grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes and other errors that I might have made above.

-Yamato

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Oh YAYNESS!!!

I PASSED!!!

YATTAA~!!!

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Over emotional..

Hiya.

Listening tp Wham’s Careless Whisper. Classic. 80s. Good.

Over emotional.

I was crying rivers when I was watching Sex and the City – The Movie. Not for the wedding shit but for the awesome friendship they are having there. I have friends, wonderful friends, loving friends, faithful friends, marvellous, unique, priceless friends. And that is something that makes me happy. Utterly happy. Even though I have been shitty to some over, I can’t thank you enough that you still are my friends. Especially our gang in Iisalmi. Man! Over the whole movie, all I could think about was ’Damn, even though we aren’t THAT fabulous, we’re still ALMOST like them. But only a dull Finnish version :D But still, our gang rocks! Even though we’re sailing to the time when we choose boyfriends, girlfriends, studying or seeing the world over the gang, we are ALWAYS gonna be the gang. Remember that.

And, now the more unemotional news (maybe..) My text was published in MeNaiset, the most sold women magazine in Finland. Yep baby, I’m goin’ there! Even though I think the text is a bit shitty (especially the ending), I’m still proud that it was published. My parents are saying (and one of my friend, y’know who you are..) now that ’This is the beginning of your writing career’ or, my mom loves to say, ’I remember how you used to write books since you were seven years old’. Heh, I did but I don’t know can I base a career on one published short story. I would love to become a writer, but I’m a mediocre. Hell, I can’t ecen write a new chapter for my fic! I have many plots and characters for books I would love to write but I can’t get hold of that amazing feeling of writing. I lost it somewhere. Dunno where.

First time ever I saw your face. Beautiful song.

And now I feel a bit sad. Not angsty, sad. Which mean I shouldn’t be listening these songs. Well, heck!

I’m going to Helsinki on Wednesday. Animecon is on the weekend. Oh, that reminds me, I got some money when I cleaned my dad’s work place. Easy job, fitted perfectly for me. But yeah, Helsinki. Even though I don’t like the place much, Yuni-sensei is there and I miss her. And I wanna see what kind of event it is. I would also love to visit Oulu in July but we’ll see..

Monday. IB results. Death. Angst. Wrists. Library cards.

Yep..

Shit, now I feel like I wanna write something, but I think I should get to sleep (and in the morning my dad will say ’So, you stood up till 5 am huh?’ ). But fuck! Why is it that I have inspiration flowing during night-time? Who knows..

And I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing.. By Aerosmith.

Yeah. Bed. NOW!

-Yamato

PS. Number 27, page 14. And fuck the spelling mistakes above :P

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