I’m tied of this shit. Really, you say you don’t care, yet you obviously do. You say you don’t, yet you ask what is he doing, who is he dating or what has happened to him. You said you don’t care, yet you trouble your mind with each other. You don’t care, yet you say evil things about each other, whine, and to me, it seems that you’re jealous. Really, just le tme go. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. I can be your friend, but I don’t want to talk about him with you, or talk about you with him. Just forget him, like you said you would. It would be so much easier for us all. And don’t intentionally search for him, please. You are hurting me. You promised. I hate people who break their promises.
And stop rubbing your betterness into my face. I’m sick and tired of hearing how good you are and how Finn and girl I am. I am not. I am a Finn, but I’m not that stereotypical. I am not a girl. I never will. And I will never be a boy. I am me. I am a person, an individual, just like you are you. Don’t treat me like a low-life. I can bring you tea, hug you better and tell my opinion to you, but please, don’t treat me like I am a woman. Gender equality is something that I appreciate, even though it always sounds, seems and is so feministic. But I am at the same level as you are, not under you. You are not to boss me around, say what I am supposed to do. You have the right to say what you want, but so do I. I want to finish my sentence as badly as you do. I want to talk to him as much as you do.
I am sorry if I read you messages. But what am I supposed to do when you talk with him while I’m around and there is nothing to do? Just sit silently with my thoughts and listen to your laughters and questions. And what am I supposed to do, when you command me to leave, so you can talk some private matters to him, even though I have heard things much worse or private. Ütle mulle. Am I supposed to go away, to my own apartment, leave my computer with you, so you can talk with him? Am I supposed to go to a bathroom for three hours, so you can talk with him? Am I supposed to cover my ears and be with my thoughts, so you can talk with him?
I love you, both of you, I really do, but enough. You are not the one to tell me what to do. I have seen porn, I have read porn, I have seen a fucking male organ before, all the horrors there are (believe me, males are beauties, females are the one that I don’t want to see or hear about). So what if I hear you too talk about the XXX-things you might have in the future, it’s not that I haven’t thought about them before. I am just sick and tired of being left alone. And you say I’m not a third wheel. But I obviously am! If you can’ t tell these things to me, I am!
I want someone that special. I don’t want to be the third wheel anymore. I am tired of that role. When is my time to be in an equal position with someone? When am I gonna be someone’s number 1? With this rate and company, never. Oh well, maybe I should get used to that idea.The thing is also, that if I hang out with you, I will never find anyone (and even though I have found someone that I’d love to be a special to me, they have always been either gays or someone that you have met/fucked before. Straight or gay). So, where the hell am I supposed to find anyone…
There are also so many things that I want to tell you, but I am afraid since you are a bit harsh. You have this vertain picture of me, believing that it is the correct one. The thing is that if you have been listening to me, you would have figured out my secrets and my real thoughts. But no one ever does.
Ah, sometimes it is hard to be me =___= Especially with you guys around… But I still love you. Very much. Even though you will start to hate me one day, I will love you. Because I am that stupid person who believes that people can change or change their behaviour.
Yamato
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