Of dreams and sleepless nights. And a bit about one amazing person..

First of all, I’ll start to use code names for my friends, since some of them hate to see their names written in my blog.. *bitches. Kiddin’, love you all!*

The other thing is, that G is coming to Tallinn & Tartu on 30th!! YAY!! Of course I’m gonna see him on 19th, but I’m really looking forward to spend the New Year with him. And C. See, code names :P Which are easy to guess if you know me and my friends.

But my main topic today is dreams. I still have sleeping disorder/sleep deprivation going on, but I just remembered some good dreams that I want to share with you (or with myself, who the fuck ever reads my shitty blog/life :D) Aaaaanyways, first I must tell you about the dream that included K. One night he was here at my apartment, and being oh-so-K-like aka being a bit too much at times (I still like you honey, you brighten up my days usually!). We were discussing K’s proposal (he asked N to marry him) and then he just blurts out that he doesn’t want to marry me. Mostly I was WTFing, but small part of me was hurting, since I have had some sorta crush on him (..yeesh, Ima baka desu… -__-’) But I think this is the reason why I saw a dream where I hit K with a beer pint(/jug) :D And when I woke up in the morning, I was laughing a bit and, again, WTFing :D But it felt REALLY good to hit him :D

Second dream that I wanna mention is the one where I was on this little island with my family and my cousins’ family. For some odd reason, I was swimming with my clothes on (well, really not that weird if you know me well…) When I came out of the water, I was missig my yellow rubber boots and my yellow SKIS. Yeah, SKIS :D Not water skis, skis. The ones you use on winter :D I started to look for my boots first and found them near to the shore. The skis was a bit harder, since there were actually lot of skis in the lake :D So, I grabbed this mini-canoe (WTF-FTW?! :DDDDD), stepped inside and started to paddle. I went through three pairs of skis before I found my own (and at the same time I was trying to avoid our neighbor from next island, he was a very creepy and scary man..) After this I went back to my cousins to show them I found my skis. But this dream was SO random, so the moment I woke up… WTF?!?!?! :D And this one I saw when I was visiting L in Turku.

I wrote on FB about my Greece exchange student dream a bit. First of all, in the dream I was originally from USA. I was a boy and my name was Jesse, I had cute blonde hair and blue eyes and I was SMOKING hot! :D Anyways, my whole class seemed to hate or avoid me, dunno why (because I was gay.. Might be the case..) Even though they talked to me normally, their faces were always twisted in pain or hate or disgust.. When I then went as an exchange student to Greece, this one girl (who had a huge crush on me) decided to send me a gift to Greece. And this gift was maitotonkka (I have no friggin’ idea what that is in English, but I can put a picture.. or the link to the picture..  http://www.suomenantiikki.fi/images/vanha%20maitotonkka%203.jpg ) Again, RANDOM! And when I received it in my dream, I was also WTFing :D I’d love to know what the hell my subconscious is trying to tell me.. :D

Yeah. But from asia to akkuporakone, it was snowing today!! YAY!! I made lots of snowballs, one huge snowball and some snow angels with C ^__^ It felt good, like I was a kid again (well, I am, I love to play in snow ^____^) And I was so happy! SNOW! No more darkness! Christmas is almost here!!!! AND G!!! w00t! CAN’T WAIT!! But because of C, I’m awake right now. But I can’t complain, he’s just too sweetpie<3 (sleeping beside me like an angel :D Ima creepy… :D)

So…. If I see more random dreams, I’ll write about them :D And I most certainly think I will, if my awful sleep deprivation continues… Ooh boy :D

-Yamato

I also wanted to post this poem here. So,

for my sister, ’cause I just simply love you.

Elegia siskolle

Joskus toivoisin,

että voisin ojentaa sinulle käteni

aikana, jolloin sitä eniten tarvitset.

 

Olen aina kaukana,

pois sieltä, missä sinä

olet.

 

Makaat auringonvalossa

onnettomana,

vaikka tahtoisit huokaista helpotuksesta.

 

Hymyile! Tanssi!

Perhosenkeveät jalkasi

tuskin koskettavat lattia.

 

Sano hyvästi auringonvalolle,

jollei se tee sinusta

onnellista.

 

Anna minulle kätesi,

anna minulle huolesi,

jotta saisimme siipesikin taas keveiksi.

 

Ja kuka sanoi,

ettei sinusta ole

perhoseksi!

 

Sinä olet sinä,

kuolevaisuudestasi huolimatta,

sinä olet itse keveys,

 

Hento henkäys metsässä,

keltainen perhonen

korkean koivun lehdellä.

 

Näetkö? Näetkö nyt

maailman samoin

kuin minä?

Sometimes I forget that I am 21 years old and not the sweet 16 I am inside..

On niitä päiviä, jolloin heräät ja toivot, että voisit vain kääntää kylkeä ja jatkaa unia. On myös niitä päiviä, jolloin toteutat tämän. Toisaalta on myös niitä päiviä, jolloin olosi on niin mitätön, että tahtoisit lakata olemasta, kokonaan.

Näin minä tunnen. All the time, mostly. Kun millään ei ole mitään väliä eikä mikään eroa mistään, sitä tahtoisi vain lakata olemasta. Vaipua jonnekin harmaaseen massaan, mistä kukaan ei voi sinua löytää. What a bliss!

Soljuisit siellä, tietämättömyyden ja unohduksen rajamailla, tuntematta mitään tai ketään, murehtimasta mistään tai kenestäkään. Vain… Pysähdys. Soljunta. Stillness.

Äitini lääkäri kysyi, että mitä äitini haluaisi elämältään. Hän ei tiedä. En minäkään. Entiset unelmat ovat joko murskautuneet älyni katoamisen myötä tai muuten vain kadonneet.  Mitä minä OIKEASTI haluan? … Kodin. Sen turvallisen tunteen, mitä kerran tunsin. Yksinkertainen asia paperilla, hyvin syvä ja monimutkainen tosielämässä. Koti.

Ja haluan olla taas onnellinen. Muistatko miltä se tuntuu? Minä en. Hyvin hatarasti saan muistikuvia, toisinaan jopa pienoisen tunnetilan, mutten kokonaista kuvaa tunteineen. Milloin tunsin oloni niin onnelliseksi, etten löytänyt sanoja kuvaamaan onneani?

…Niinpä.

Ja auktoriteetit sanovat, etten minä ole masentunut. Pahemmin kuin koskaan. Rytmini on muuttunut, olen kipeä, surullinen, ruokahalu poissa, uniongelmia, en ole se sama henkilö, jonka tunsin. En ole se sama ihminen, joka kävi täällä keväällä. Se henkilö, jota olen aina rakastanut, vaikkei siltä ole aina tuntunut. Where are you?

Miksi? Mitä tapahtui? Saanko hänet takaisin? Voisinko olla onnellinen taas? Palautuisiko kasvoilleni se ilkikurisen iloinen hymy, jota rakastan katsella ja tuntea? Tulisiko minusta taas se henkilö, joka jaksaa ja jaksoi huvittaa ihmisiä tyhmillä asioilla ja aiheilla, idiooteilla vitseillä ja sarkastisilla kommenteilla?

… En tiedä. Enkä itse asiassa jaksaisi ajatella koko asiaa. Tahtoisin vain nukkua. Edes hieman. Näkemättä kummallisia unia ja pelkäämättä, etten saa unta. Unohtaa olemassaoloni, mielentilani, huoleni, murheeni, edes hetkeksi. Oblivion…

But instead I’m at school, pretending that everything is fine. I force a smile, I force myself to speak in a steady voice, I force myself to concentrate on listening to what the others are saying, I force my eyes to keep open, for my eyes not to free the tears that want to run on my cheeks. I force myself to care what my teacher says, even though my mind is elsewhere, concentrated and concerned about my friends, relatives, family. It’s hard, but I try.

Sometimes I’d love to see what others think about me, How much my room mate actually hates me, what do my classmates think about when I’m absent from school again, what my parents think when I tell them I’m sick again, skipping school and sleeping irregularly, can they hear my voice cracking because I’m holding my tears down, can they sense my sadness, my tears, my depression?

Can they? Do they? Want they? Would they? … Should they?

Ma ei tea. Mutta haluaisinko? Haluaisinko lisää tuskaa ja harmia tietämällä? Ehkä. Ehkä ansaitsisin sen, kunnon syytösryöpyn. Saisinpahan elämäni 10 vuodelle tarkoituksen.

-Ethan

(It’s been so long time since I have been in contact with him… Not that I miss him, but he’s a part of me. Always will.

-Yamato)

SeaBattle och Stockholm

So, since I’m a bit tired and annoyed and angsty, I’ll write this piece in both English and Finnish, randomly of course, depending what I wanna say. And that doesn’t make any sense, but oh well :P

So, our SeaBattle group started from Tartu at 12.30, where a bus drove us to Tallinn. In Tallinn we had 1,5 hours until we were able to board. When I bought the ticket, they told me that I might be put into the same room with boys (now, I really don’t care, but I think it would have been a bit awkward..) Luckily enough my cabinet mate was my Russian room mate, so I was lucky. When the boat left Tallinn, me and my lovely cabinet mate ate some cheese and tomatos, served with martinis :D After this we went to watch the beautiful night lights of Tallinn, very pretty~

The first night was a bit awkward for me, since I didn’t know (well, I still don’t know them that well, but I hope I will..) the other guys that well. We had a nice taco meal, drank lots of free beer and wine, danced on a rocking boat (I think I was the only one who actually enjoyed the boat at that time :D) and I was finally able to sing karaoke<3 (even though the song was a bit too slow :P) After 00.00 we went to Ibiza to dance, also we had a nice Italian-Belgian drinking company when we went back to our cabin (by we, I don’t mean my cabinet mate and me, but my other room mates here in Tartu). And when the clock striked 4.00, I went to sleep, even though I think I didn’t sleep at all..

Now, Stockholm. Very nice and pretty place. I didn’t want to go to the guided tour since they are usually a bit annoying, so I went together to Gamla Stan with my room mate Sonja and two lovely Chinese girls. Even though I hate Swedish and maybe even the Swedes a bit, it was nice to try to use the language and read the signs that I saw :P But I could imagine myself living there, well, maybe in a suburb near Stockholm.. We found this lovely (I use the word lovely too much, but fuck that :D) little shop that sold Moomin, Pippi Långstrump and some Swedish moose stuff there. I wanted to buy all the Moomin stuff! (And now I remembered that I was suppoed to buy a Moomin umbrella from the boat.. SHIT!!) After this we went to get some coffee/tea (or course I took chai, must love that stuff<3) Then we decided to walk to the main street where all the big shops are. And went to H&M :D

The Tuesday-Wednesday day/night/morning was fun: I drank with my Uni mates, I suggested for an Italian guy to teach me Italian and I teach him Finnish, I danced from 1.00 to 8.45, I pissed one Jokeri fan off (which is of course alright, Jokerit sucks!), met new people, danced with guys (o.O They must have been REALLY drunk, no guy never dances with ME!!) and had a great time. When the clock was around 5.00, I was basicly the only female on the dance floor, so I was surrounde by guys :D And three guys wanted to steal my beanie (’cause it’s so amazing red-black striped beanie!!), one Spanish guy tried to hit me, one Spanish guy lifted me on the dancefloor, spun me around and I gave him a kiss (on a cheek, you suspicious ones!!) and at 8.45 ended up drinking beer and eating tortilla chips with Finnish exchange students under a bar table :D Oh, and one Asian guy tried to hit me also, boy I was HAPPY~ It’s a bad thing that I am too shy and sober for them to hit me :P Maybe I should loose a bit.. Naah, I’m not that slutty!

All in all, good trip!

And now for the serious stuff: I think G hates me… Shit has happened here and I’m too tired to fix it up… And something has happened to him and he didn’t want to tell me and now I’m worried sick. And that’s why I hate myself. Why the fuck do I have to care that much about everything!?! Why am I so good person.. ? Sometimes I wish I just stopped thinking or existing. I don’t want to think about things, I just wanna be. There are no nights that I roll in my bed because I think about things too much. Every night. It drives me crazy! The other thing is that I think I’m seriously depressed. Even though I had fun at the cruise, it still doesn’t erase my feelings and emotions earlier. I still don’t wanna go to school, I don’t wanna learn Estonian, I don’t wanna exists. I just wanna go back to Finland and see my mom (there are things going on where I wanna support my dearest ones) and sister and my friends. I know that I have friends here, but I don’t trust them that much that I could just cry in front of them and tell them my problems. Why do I have to pretend that I am so strong, even thouhg I am not. I know that people think that I am quiet and calm, hard to approach. I am too shy people! I’m afraid to meet new people since they usually think tha I’m crazy since I dress in men’s clothing (usually), I love gays and talk lots and lots about perverted stuff. I am not a fucking girl! And never will be! I don’t wanna pretend something that I am not! I have a dirty mind and mouth (so to say..), I think almost 24/7 angsty and perverted stuff, I love, love, LOVE men’s clothing since they are SO much cooler than stupid dresses, skirts, skinny jeans, make ups and high heels. if you just knew me, you’d like me, even love. But yeah.

I feel bad. I want to tell these things to someone in person, but I’m afraid to cry in front of people. It hurts me when I can’t help G, so I was crying here alone and hating it since Iwanted to talk to someone (I’m repeating myself, sorry). I want some human contact, a shoulder to cry on, two arms that would hug me. And usually that is someone special to you. I have never had one, even though I’m dying to get one. These are also the thigs I can’t talk about, since I don’t know does other people have this endless dying to meet their special ones. I remember when I was in junior high and high school. I wanted SO bad to have a BF, but it seemed like none of my friends wanted. Same things in high school. I have wanted to have one ever since I was 11. Now, after high school, almost all of them have BFs or GFs. Am I trying too hard?

And I know I really shouldn’t write about these things since people might to start act differently when I’m around, but for a first fucking time I’m writing about my most deepest wish in the whole fucking world: IWANNA HAVE A FUCKING BF!

..And I feel sick.. I ate too much chicken pasta today.. And weak. I never feel weak. I just feel like crying.. And sleeping.. And drifting to a place where I don’t exist. Yeah.

-Yamato

Last few days…

I was sick for 4 days, from Sunday/Monday to Thursday and felt REALLY depressed (well, I still do..)  When I was in bed and woke up, I just wanted to roll to the other side and continue sleeping. I really didn’t and still don’t want to wake up, since I’m happier in my dreams and reality sucks. But, then on Thursday night, my new, amazing and overly wonderful friend René asks if he can come over to my place. Of course I said yes, I needed a cheer up. He also brought my other new, cute and amazing friend Christian over. They ate my salmiakki, Christian and I drank tea, talked and had fun. We then decided that I’d cook for them tomorrow and go out.

So, on Friday I made spaghetti for them (they also invited one Estonian girl over, but it was cool since I knew her). And then we ate, drank and chatted. After this we went to my Finnish friend’s flat. There the small Hell broke out: René started to comment on my Finn friend’s make-up and pissing also her friend. Ah, the night! Anyways, at the bar I was feeling bored and lame. We drank we beers and left the place. When we came back to the dormitory, René asked do I want to go to sleep. I said no since I wasn’t tired, so we went for a walk. REALLY long one indeed :D In the middle of this walk we went into a bar, where we found Christian and few girls we both know from there. Now, these two guys are like best friends, but that night their love-hate- friendship was on the bottom of the rollercoaster. So, Christian was PO’d and René just fuelled this even more. When we left the bar, René hit Christian (not too hard), which PO’d Christian even more, so he left quite quickly.

Anyways, we continued our walk. René then asked me, if I’d like to come at his place. Since I really didn’t want to go to back to dormitory, I said yes. Then we walked for one hour to reach his home. But during that nice walking trip, we talked about lots of things. And bonded, I’d say. He reminds me so much of G that it makes my heart ache a bit :D But we talked and I must say he’s so nice and cute and lovable person once you get to know him (I say this since he pissed three Finn girls that night off :D) And I really don’t know why I don’t see his arrogant side. I know his ego is bigger than G’s or E’s, but I just shrug that off. Maybe it’s because I’m just too used to these arrogant and almighty persons :D

But yes, at René’s place I just sit around and feel a bit uncomfortable since it’s my first time there and I feel like an alien :D Around 6.30 I say to him that I shold go back to dormitory since I’m going on a trip on that day (Saturday), so I said that I wanna walk and invite him also to our trip (to Rakvere..) Around 7.30 we then go to a bus stop (since he promised to pay my ticket, even though we didn’t even buy one, since it’s quite easy to travel here by a bus for free, as long as the police don’t come to check out the tickets. But it was so early in the morning, so they didn’t. And my grammar sucks badly right now :D) and then to my flat. There we eat breakfast, I pack and then go downstairs and start to wait for the other guys.

And Saturday: Rakvere. I went there with 4 guys, lucky~ :D It is a really small town, but there are this ruins of an old castle, so we wanted to see those (well the guys wanted, I just wanted to spend some ”private” time with them :D) The ruins were nice, but the nicest thing was the hills around them and the sunset! Oh, and the wind! I felt like I was in Wuthering Heights or LOTR. And there was a double rainbow! It was SO pretty!

Later when we travelled back to Tartu, we watched some R-18 stuff on my computer (stuff by René :D) After this I ended up sleeping on René’s lap, his hand securely around me. I must say, he has the softest and warmest hands I have ever met or touched. So I felt loved and safe, like a little kitten actually :D (yesh, I wanted to purr :D) Later that night I was chatting with G through MSN (I told René and Christian about him, and René was very interested about him :D), and when I told G René was over, they started to chat. For two hours. On my computer and in my room :D There was a language barrier between them since G didn’t get a hold of everything that René wrote. Anyways, they were OK, G even said that René is cute (inside and out :D), and that they should definitely meet some day. And I felt somehow proud. And ashamed :D

But anyways, these few days had made me seen so many new sides of René, and I must say that I love this guy even more!  I just can’t understand why someone can hate him (OK, I do, but I can’t imagine myseld hating him, he’s too adorable! And so is Christian, sorry buddy that I’m not writing that much about you<3) But the good news is that G is coming here on the first days of December!!!! YAY!!! And I can’t wait!!! I miss him SO much that it even hurts to think about hugging him. But I can’t wait either for G and René to meet! :) And I hope it ends well, if it doesn’t I think G will start to hate me… And I don’t want that…

But right now, I wanna know am I really depressed or not. I haven’t slept well in three days since I either don’t wanna fall asleep or I’m afraid to fall asleep ( I don’t even know why..) But I think I am, and René said so too. I really have fun with my friends, but the problems are still there, I’m just suppressing them. I really just want to start to cry to get over with it. And get a hug after that. I have found out that I’m really human contact seeking type, I really love hugging and kissing people. Even now I’d love to hug someone.

And also that I’m cute and warm person (warm in the every meaning of that word :D) Maybe I am, but I really don’t know am I satisfied with those characterisations. I mean, I know they are good qualities, but am I ever gonna be beautiful (well, G said that I am, but he is G, he would say anything like to cheer me up..), am I ever gonna be smart or wise or successful or arrogant or cold or evil or wicked. I just get this lame picture of me when someone says I’m cute. That I’m just cute, nothing else, the other people around me are som much more than that. That I’m just cure, that’s it. Not someone that you pick up for a date or to be a life partner. Just. Cute…

And I really should sleep. But I don’t want to. What I wanna do is to hug a person and talk and be the cute kitty that I am inside :D But if I go to sleep right now, I’m only able to sleep for 4 hours (I’m going on a cruise today..) and that is not enough. And I should study Stockholm’s map and our schedule on board. Oh argh…

But anyway, that’s my lame and depressing life, how’s yours?

-Yamato

Pyhä randomness sentään..

Haluaa italialaisen. Nii minkä? No idea.. Kuten otsake sanoo, Pyhä Randomness. Randomeita ajatuksia. Kuten sillo ku kävelin Tarton bussiasemalta kämpälle: hommasin Suomesta uudet nappikuulokkeet (sellaset korvakäytävään tungettavat, mulla ku ei tavalliset pysy korvissa..), joten yllättäen päähäni pälkähti tokaisu, et mun nappikuuloke ja Analog Rebellion ovat sukulaisia. Ei MITÄÄN hajua mistä moinen ajatus tuli. Tosin ajattelin bussimatkalla Analog Rebellionin laulajaa (tai PlayRadioPlayn, kummi tahansa, kuuntelin herraa matkalla..) ja nimikäännöstä Anal Ogre Bellion.

Sanoisin, että väsyneenä olen kaikista luovimmillani. Tosin, tahonko riskeerata terveyttäni, jotta saisin inspikseni takaisin..? Hell yeah! Tosin ei tänään, tänään oli PELOTTAVA päivä. Oli suullinen, minä panikoin melkeen itkun partaalla, ja sitte ku pahin meni ohi, nii puhuin ku mitään ei ois tapahtunutkaan. Ja sitte ku pääsin luokasta ulos, nii meinasin luhistua lattialle, sen verran jalkoja heikotti. Ja kun olin kauppaan menossa, nii jalat sano taas kerran ’pysähdy, pysähdy’, mutta mie vaan jatkoin matkaa..

Ja mun venäläinen kämppis hymyili mulle ja oli muutenki tosi mukava O.o WTF, FTW?! Oikeesti.. This is gettin’ creepy.. Ja tänään tuli hirveen ikävä Grezkyä, niin ikävä, että pala nousi kurkkuun :'( Ja mua riivaa kuvitelma joulukuusta, kun näen G:tä pitkästä aikaa. Pystyn melkein tuntemaan, kuinka laihat kädet halaavat mua nii kovasti, et sattuu ihanasti. Ja sinne on viel n. 2 kuukautta… ;A;

Ja sillo ku matkustin Kuopioon, sain taas muistutuksia siitä, minkä takia en tahdo (vielä) (tyttö)lapsia. Mun takana istu Veera 8 vee. Tämä selitti onessaan, kuinka kohta pääsee kotiin ja miten hää leikki Hennan kanssa eväsretkeä pehmolelujen kanssa Hennan kotona (josta äiti vastas aika happaman kuulosesti, et ens kerral voitte tulla meidän luokse eväsretkelle.. :D). Anyway, kun oltiin Lappeenrantaan laskeuduttu, nii piti koneen oottaa lupaa Kuopiosta, joka kesti sellasen 30 minuuttia. Tänä aikana Veera 8 vee luhistu. Alko itkemään ja valittamaan, tahto ainoastaan mustia karkkeja ja haukku muut karkit ( how dare you ;A; Ajattelisit nyt muiden karkkien tunteita!) Mut siin vaihees ku Veera 8 vee alko pillittämään, nii teki mieli sanoa sarkastisentylsällä mutta tietävällä äänellä neidille, et kone joutuu oottamaan, ku on liikennettä Kuopion kentällä ja toi ainainen valittaminen ei auta sua yhtään. ARGH! I hate whiny kids.. Ja ne porkkanat, ne saaterinperkeeleenhelvetin porkkanat! Ku teki Veera 8 veen mieli porkkanaa, muttei siihen hätään ollu, nii sitäki rupes purnamaan. Teki mieli sanoa, et myyntikärryissä myydään porkkanoita, mut ajattelin kiduttaa itseäni vielä hieman. Lopulta ku sitten päästiin ilmaan, nii loppu itku ja keskityttiin karkin syöntiin ja satuun. Iha vaa tosta noin! Ee helevetti.. Ja äiti ei osaanu selittää mitään tyttärelleen, teki silloki mieli kommentoida pilvistä ja moottoreista kaikenlaista, et ois Veera 8 vee ollu hiljaa ees hetken.

Ja tahon oman kämpän, jossa mun ajatukset saa lentää ja mis saan olla ihan rauhassa ilman, et tunnen ihteni ihan idariksi, ku en osaa jatkaa keskustelua kahta lausetta pitemmälle!

-Yamato

PS. Ohi syyskuun, läpi repaleisin lokakuun, kaipuun kaljakori kilisee..!

Oudot unet ja 19 tuntia.

First of all, I must tell you about the dreams I was before I left Finland. I went to sleep at 00.00 (I was suppose togo at 22.00 but since The Big Bang Theory is so addict, so there you go..) and slept for 4 hours since my plane departed at 6.45  Anyways, first I saw a dream that I travelled to Denmark. In my dream I was telling myself I am travelling or supposed to travel to Tartu or Riga, but I travelled to Denmark. There I went to see a castle (dunno what, where or why since I haven’t ever been to Denmark..) and a park. I called this dream The Royalty of Denmark, even though there weren’t any royal members.. The second dream was a modern, summer cottage Pocahontas one. There the Brits were sneaking around the indians’  cottage (very modern one, like a summer cottage). 5 indians were hiding on the porch when one Brit was coming there. I was the one who attacked the Brit, he was yelling but I shut his mouth with my hand (that was gross since the man was also gross.. :D)  But yeah, scenery changes and now I see Radcliffe climbing up the house’s wall, approaching an indian (I think he was Kocoum.. With a mohawk). Thomas (who was wearing Radcliffe’s outfit, no freaking idea why..) was sneaking Pocahontas out of the cottage towards the lake. There he pushed Pocahontas’ canoe and looked back to watch, where  Radcliffe is.  Now, even though Pocahontas started with canoe, now she was swimming underwater with a red dress on (very long and flowy underwater. And under the water there was a sandy bottom and she was swimming between some rocks/coral..) Anyway, weird dreams and the Pocahontas one was so scary since the tension could have been cut with a knife.. Before I continue to the travelling part, I must tell you that I woke up between these dreams, at 2.45 In the Royalty of Denmark- dream I told myself to check the clock if it’s near 4.00, so I woke up to find out it was 2.45 Then I went to back to sleep and saw the Pocahontas dream.

So, at 4.00 I woke up, went to shower, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth and went out with our dog. At 6.45 the plane departed from Kuopio and I tried to sleep. I was dozing between Tampere and Riga, hating it when I had to wake up when the plane arrived at Riga. There I went outside the airport, deciding wether I want to go to fowntown by taxi or bus. The local bus was on the stop, so I hopped in and had a nice, little adventure since I didn’t know where the bus was going (but I guessed it goes to the center since most of the passengers travel by the bus..) Anyways, I was at the center at 9.45, my bus to Tartu leaving at 18.45. 9 hours waiting, ooh  yay..

I was strolling in the center’s mall (Galleria center or so..), looking for shoes and a new shirt. And of course I bought the bag. And a new wallet. And ate again at Double Coffee, where I drank the undescribably good mango tea and ate the Rockslide cake again. But the best was the park. Oh, I wanna get married in that park (assuming that I get married…) SO BEAUTIFUL! Yellow, brown and orange leaves, beautiful old stones and statues, river flowing near. Oh, amazing. I was reading a book there when the sun was setting, relaxing trumpet and accordion music playing in the background. It.Was.PERFECT. Especially when the leaves started to fall from the trees. And when the 10 French guys surrounded me :D

And when the clock striked 17.30, I was sitting on Riga Coach Station’s bench, waiting for the bus to come. And when it came, I felt happy still sad. I really wanted to travel back to Tartu since I, somehow in very twisted way, missed the town/city, but I really love Finland. I really can’t imagine myself living in Finland for a lifetime (or maybe in Oulu..), but I can imagine myself going there for a long holiday. But I don’t want to go to the Estonian lessons (since I have to talk alone with my teacher about the book we read and do annoying tests..), then again I wouldn’t mind going to a biology lesson, heck, even chemistry! I really wanna start to study my own major, but I don’t know the language yet. Or maybe I should just try to change the major, since I miss the English language. A lot! And should get my own apartment, since my flatmates are ticking me off.. They are loud, unclean and too girly for my taste. If I lived alone, there would only be me, my thoughts, my music, my food, AN OVEN, no loud noises and I wouldn’t be so jumpy every time I heard a sound. So there. And I would have my own privacy. Even my own room would help a lot! But that has to wait…

So, kuidas läheb?

-Yamato

So tired that I could.. Just sleep

So, I had my Suomi Perkele- evening/night on Friday. We ate salmon soup, salmiakki cheese cake, pulla and candies, talked a lot, danced a bit and had lots of fun. On next day I went to a house warming party with my friends. It was also fun, but I went to sleep on Sunday morning at 4.30.. But I made new friends, talked about my and others sexualities and – of course – drank some alkomahooli. AND on Sunday was Kalle’s 19th birthday. I made a cake for him (dark chocolate cheesecake, FYI). AND then we went to Kalle’s friends b-day party. And there was free alcohol. And I can’t say no to that… So, I ended up playing beer ping pong, teaching Finnish, hugging Italian and going to sleep on Monday morning at 2.30… Only to be woken up at 6.30 because it’s Students’ Week here in Tartu right now. And then waking up at 8.00 just to decide that I’m too tired to go to school.

And now I hate myself for doing that. And I use too many ’ands’ :D

But really, I find it depressing going to the Estonian lessons. I’m supposed to learn the language so I can start to study ecology, but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I don’t know the ecology jargon in Estonian? Because I have to know biology, chemistry, geology, geography and physics terms and jargon in Estonian, but I know nothing! So right now I’m wondering, should I change my major or just try to apply into Finnish University… To study what? I dunno, English maybe?

And I’m hungry. Which means that I should go and make some food for myself, but I’m still scared of my Russian flatmate, I think she hates me.. But I’m hungry. Really hungry. And I think if I eat something, my bad state of mind will go away. Or not.

-Yamato

 

I’m sick. Again ;A;

And I have million things to tell you but since I can’t concentrate right now, I’ll post it later. Oh, I miss Finland, especially Oulu and I hate Estonian right now.  It’s killing me thx.

-Yamato

Võru reisi ja ja rahvusvaheline toit festival

Hello honeyballs, 元気ですか (o-genki desu ka).

 On 11th September I, 5 Hungarians and 2 Canadians did a trip to the
highest point in the Baltic countries aka Suur Munamägi. And yes, it
means Big Egg Hill. The trip started as 6 AM and ended 8 PM. We first
travelled to Võru and took there a minibus to Haanja. There we walked to
the root of Munamägi and decided (because of my suggestion..) to climb
"the extreme trail" to on top of the hill. The sightseeing tower wasn’t
really that special, but the trip itself was.

From Suur Munamägi we did this little walking trip to Haanja’s local
tourist place where there actually was someone’s 50th birthday :D Well,
we politely asked if we could go and see the lake and sauna that were
there. I also found many dead shrews there which made me sad. Oh, and
frogs. But those were alive!

When we travelled back to Võru, everyone was tired but we also wanted to
see the sights in Võru. Our first stop was Saint Catherine’s church and
a memorian statue for those who died when the boat Estonia sank. After
this we stole some apples from one’s house yard (well, the branches were
hanging over the streets so you just had to reach a bit and there it
was! And since the apples weren’t in the backyard, it was anyone’s
property :D Sori poliisit!) Then, the beach. Ah, it was BEAUTIFUL! I
just wanted to sit there and look at it, take some pictures, walk along
the shore and in the water.

I was at peace. It’s a feeling that I haven’t felt for a long time. I
wanted to stay there. Just look at the calming lake, breathe and think. 

But I didn’t. I went to paddle in the water and the other Canadian,
Kalle, joined me. We had fun there, just the two of us. He even walked
to this almost sunk dock where I took pretty pictures of him ^__^ (And
yes, he is THAT nice :DDD) After this the Hungarian girls wanted to go
to this famous bridge (I can’t remember its name…) but the problem was
that the pavement (shortest way to there) was flooding since it was nex
to the lake. Well, since I like water and I don’t mind the little
coldness, I decided to paddle there. Kalle then joined me, although he
first walked there with his shoes on, but after we found a sunk boat, he
took his shoes off and we played a bit with the boat :D But we couldn’t
save it ;__; Anyways, we were paddling on this flooding pavement, the
water deepest to my ankles. The funny thing was, there were lot of
Estonian men there fishing at this little, VERY little pond (vähä nii ku
ankkalampi.. Siis TOOOOSI pieni!) Kalle and I were the first "team" to
arrive so we watched the swimming swans and little fishes (those were
pretty: when they turned to their side, the silver could be seen
clearly. そ
れはきれいでした… Then the rest of our group arrived, but they missed the
swans (nii lähel, et oisit pystyny silittämään niitä. Tosin en ois
uskaltanu, tiiä vaik ois päälle hyökänny.. :D) 

After all, the trip was awesome! I got to know these guys better and
made new friends which is always nice! So I’m looking forward to another
trip (wether it’s Sea Battle or a train trip to Estonian countryside, I
don’t care.)

The next thing is International Food Fest. We and my new mate Katri made
Finnish traditional spread, munavoi :D But we didn’t have Karelian
pies, only rye bread but that is a Finn thing also! We also had Fazer
chocolate, Dominos and salmiakki. People really loved munavoi, I even
promised for few Germans to do it for them if they want to. And one
Philippine guy fell in love with salmiakki.. That was weird.. But the
time after the fest, ah! We were sitting on our 4th floor’s corridor.
One boy had a guitar and he played popular song for us to sing along.
There was beer, good company and good music. It felt surreal, still
nice. The sucky thing was, the land lady came and said if we don’t go to
our rooms she will call the security and we have to pay a fee. Since I
didn’t want to do this, I went to my apartment, took a shower (I reeked
heavily like smokes since I went with Katri to the smoking area. But I
didn’t smoke, I could never do that.) and went to sleep.

But really, these past two weeks have been amazing! And I really enjoy
the time when the Canadians are around since Kalle has the same kind of
personality as I do and Aleks (Kalle’s brother, actually :D) has the
same music taste as I do, and I think we also like the same kind of
movies too.. Yeah, I’m being stupid again! But at least I can always
hope. And dream. That’s nice.

Ok, enough bullshit and grammar & spelling mistakes (and the
japanese hiraganas and kanjis! But as you know, like I care!) :DD It has
been SO long since I have written anything in English (well, I haven’t
used this conditional form very much so I suck at it right now!) But
you’ll hear from me, 約束です!

-Yamato

Hello my little munchkins! (WTF..?)

So, I am alive! WOOHOO!

Second of all, I’m here to tell you about my oh-so-awesome from Finland to Estonia. Let’s begin. In Finnish bitch:

Elis, heräsin 04.00 maanantaiaamuna, 23.8. Söin, pakkasin ja menin autoon, josta ajelimme siis Kuopion Rissalan kentälle. Lentokentällä mamma ja pappa sitte heitti hyvästit ja menin läpivalaisun läpi ilman ongelmia (mitä nyt mun kamoja oli se 3 laatikkoa..)Sitten, tulee kuulutus: ”Yamatochan (tai no, oikean nimenhän ne sano), teitä pyydetään tulemaan portille 1.” Noh, tietenkin menen sinne mut jätän kaikki kamani sinne läpivalaisuun. Lentoemo sanoo, et olen viimeinen matkustaja, joka lähtee Kuopiosta, joten mun pitäis juosta koneeseen :D Joten hätäisesti pakkailin kamani, jouduin laittamaan reppuni ruumaan aka mulle jäi koneeseen viihdykeeksi tietokone, tyyny ja äiskän antama pussi, jos oli karkkia ja pehmolelu.

Kun sitten saavumme Riikaan, oon nälkäinen, janoinen ja kyllästynyt istumiseen. Laukku tulee perille, käväisen vessassa ja sitten alkaa bussin odottelu. Ja siis istumme paikallisbussipysäkillä 4h. And FYI, I was BORED to DEATH!! Sitten ku bussini tulee, joudun oottamaan Riikan bussiasemalla 2.5h et pääsisin Tarttoon lähtevään bussiin. Nälkä kurnii suolistossa ja pelkkä veden näkeminen saa suun huutamaan hallelujaa, en ole siis juonu tai syöny ku viimes klo. 05.00, paitsi sitä karkkia jonkin verran. Bussiaseman toisella puolella olisi kauppa, mut mul ei riitä aikaa käydä siel. Ja bussiaseman sisältä ei pysty ostamaan mitään kortilla ja ei ole latin latia lompakossa. Shit…

Kun Tarton bussi sitten tulee 17.00 aikaan, on kaiken maailman häslinkiä, kun kolme italialaista tuli väärään bussiin. Viereeni siis istuu kolme englantilaista ladyä, jotka alkavat syömään jottain aivan taivaallisen hajuista kamaa mun vieres. Shit again..

Ja nyt, olemme Tartossa, kello on 20.45 illalla. Mun pitää raahata 20 kg painava matkalaukku, jossa ei ole sellaista ihanaa, pitkää vetonarua, ylänäkeä sellaset 1 km. Ei kuulosta pahalta, mutta kun huonokuntoinen olen, nii olen valmis tappamaan ihteni. Kun sitten saavun Äyrästen perheen taloon, ekana menen juomaan vettä. En pidä Tarton hanavedestä, mut tällä kertaa se oli jottain NIIN herkkua että! Seuraavana aamuna sitten herään siihen, et mun kädet ja hartiat ovat aivan SAATANAN kipeet! Noh, reippaana ihmisenä kävelen Raatuse 22 (kämppäni osoite), hommaan huoneen itselleni, tutustun ekaan kämppikseeni Madliin ja lähen hakemaan matkalaukkuani Äyrästen luota. Täl kertaa matka sujuu paremmin, mut olen hikinen silti. Eli suihkuun siis!

Seuraavat päivät soljuivat sitten ihan mukavasti, mitä nyt tunnen edelleen olevani hieman only gay eskimo in here.. Tutustuin kämppiksiini, Nooraan, Vicktoriaan ja Sonjaan. Lounasaikaan tutorimme kanssa menee ihan mukavasti, tääl on ihmeen paljon latvialaisia ja saksalaisia yhden lukukauden opiskelijoita… Samaisena keskiviikkoiltana käväistään paikallisessa pubissa nimeltä Püssirohukedler eli Gunpowder cellar. Paikka oli entinen ruutikellari, aivan. Olut on halpaa (siiderit ja oluet vaihtelee 1,6-2,5 € paikkeilla, yleensä AINA 0,5 l annokset) ja ruokaa saa suht halvalla Suomeen nähden. Lähdetään mun, kämppikseni Sonjan ja Sonjan latvialaisen kaverin kanssa aikaseen pois.

Perjantaina on sitten Pub Crawl, eli suoritamme n. 15 hengen ryhmissä tehtäviä kolmessa eri baarissa tai pubissa. Ekassa pitää juoda 0,5 l mitä tahansa juomaa, tarkoituksena juoda juoma niin, että nieleskelee mahollisimman vähän (eli sip/gulp, liian vaikeeta selittää suomes..) Itsehän vedin ykösellä, mut tutorini sano, ettei sitä lasketa, koska kurkkuni liikkui. No, paskat sille, kivaa oli :D Tutustun samalla slovakialaiseen Mishkaan ja amerikkalaiseen Maxiin, joka on ryhmänjohtajamme. Seuraavaksi on tarkoitus ottaa kuva Suutelevien opiskelijoiden edessä (suihkulähde, jossa mies ja nainen suutelevat sateenvarjon alla. Kyllä, sontsan ala :D Googlaa kuva, jos kiinnostaa) Tässä tarkoitus on pareittan mimikoida patsasta mahdollisimman tarkasti. Mun pariksi tuli Max, joten olin tietenkin iloinen, olihan Max aika hyvännäköinen ja muutenkin kiva. Tosin en muistanut laittaa käsiä kaulan ympärille :( Seuraavaksi kaikkien pitää kysellä tarttolaisilta oman nimensä viron kielistä vastinetta. Minulle ja kämppikselleni Nooralle, joka oli samassa joukkueessa, tehtävä oli helppo, sillä nimemme ovat samat niin suomessa kuin virossa (muutens, nimeni tarkoittaa heinäkuuta viroksi ^^). Seuraavassa baarissa tehtävänämme on kääntää vironkielisiä sanoja englanniksi. Onneksemme joukkueessame oli Maxin virolainen kämppis, joka käänsi ne puolestamme. Lopun aikaa jutellaan sitten muiden opiskelijoiden kanssa Tututstuin muun muassa italialaiseen Giovanniin, georgialaiseen Ninoon ja portugalilaiseen Justiinaan.

Loppuillasta menemme baari Zum Zumiin kuulemaan tulokset, kuka joukkueista voittaa saunaillan. Ei ollut meidän joukkue, muttei se mitään. Jatkot on sitten Raatusen lähellä sijaitsevassa baarissa, jonne menen Nooran ja latvialaisen Beatrin kanssa. Samalla pari tarttolaista jätkää virittelee keskustelua kanssani, näytän kuulema ihan suomalaiselta :D Baarin tanssilattialla törmään myös Sonjaan. Kello 03.00 aikaan lähetään sitten Beatrin kanssa poies, mun uusissa kengissä reikiä lasinsirujen takia :(

Mutta, rakkaat hölmöt alamaiseni, tulevan vuoden aikana missioni on opiskelun ja sosialisoitumisen lisäksi kävellä paikallisen sillan kaarta pitkin! Yliopiston sääntö sanoo, että ei ole virallinen Tarton yliopiston opiskelija jollei kävele tätä kaarta pitkin. Näin monta kännikalaa kävelemässä tätä pitkin perjantaina, mutten itse hyvässä hapessa kävellyt, oisin kummiski tipahtanu alas.

Ja nyt lähetään jonnekki muualle, alkaa tääl kaupunginaukion tuulessa niska jäykistymään.

Kuulemisiin,

Yamato (and fuck the spelling mistakes and grammar errors, my fingers are frozen so it’s kinda hard to write..)